David Sedaris described his intense engagement with the language learning app Duolingo, admitting he was “powerless to stop” his obsessive pursuit of top leaderboard positions. This compulsion led him to combine his daily step count with language practice, resulting in him walking 10 miles a day while reciting sentences in Japanese, German, Spanish, and French.
The author recounted a road trip with his partner, Hugh, from Washington, DC, to their home in North Carolina. The journey was marked by an unexpected tick encounter, an hour-long traffic jam on a Sunday, and a radio stuck on a 70s station. They made two stops, one at a wooded rest area where they walked half a mile in the July heat, and another at Bojangles, where Sedaris observed other customers, including teenage baseball players with mullets.
During the drive, Sedaris noted political banners in North Carolina supporting President Trump, contrasting them with “Resist!” signs he had seen in New England. He also recalled a protest in Portsmouth, New Hampshire, against “No Kings!” demonstrators, whose appearance he found reminiscent of Tea Party activists. He observed that most of these protesters were of retirement age and brandished signs at oncoming traffic.
Upon arriving at Emerald Isle, Sedaris immediately disembarked from the car to walk the remaining two miles to their house. He explained his desire to increase his steps and maintain his top rank on Duolingo, an app introduced to him by a friend three years earlier. He had started with Japanese and expanded to German, Spanish, and French, interacting with animated characters within the program. He noted there were 11 such characters in total.
Sedaris detailed the app’s features, including translating sentences, reading aloud for pronunciation feedback, and translating and spelling. He shared examples of peculiar sentences from various languages, such as “My uncle is a broken man” in Yiddish and “What is he doing in our bed?” in French. He characterized the German sentences as judgmental and direct, with examples like “Your apartment is dark and ugly” and “I’m sorry, but your doctor is playing volleyball today.” He also noted that most characters in their Japanese program were depicted as gay or bisexual.
The competitive aspect of Duolingo, particularly the goal of reaching the Diamond League, became a significant driver for Sedaris. He found himself prioritizing earning easy points by reading sentences aloud for at least an hour a day, a practice he acknowledged yielded no tangible benefit. He described Duolingo as being designed for those with obsessive-compulsive tendencies, similar to his fitness-tracking Apple Watch. His friend Dave might spend 15 minutes daily and get 200 points, while Sedaris regularly earned 23,000 points.
This led to him becoming the type of person he disliked: one who moves about while staring down at a device. Despite recognizing the futility and his own behavior, he felt powerless to stop, even competing against usernames like GeACzQDe and fuuuuu, whom he suspected might not even exist.
The introduction of Duolingo Max, with its role-playing exercises featuring a sarcastic teenage character named Lily, changed his experience. Sedaris discovered he could intentionally derail conversations with Lily by providing unexpected or absurd responses. He recounted telling her about a doctor cutting out his tongue with a chainsaw, which caused her AI mind to fluctuate, and proposing a controversial adaptation of Romeo and Juliet where the characters would be 13 and 78 years old.
He also shared a fabricated story about a protest, describing the president as a “sausage” and mentioning funding cuts for radio and TV shows where women wear bonnets. Lily’s responses, such as suggesting they talk about something else, indicated her discomfort. Finishing a short role play could net up to 180 XPs, compared to reading 10 sentences aloud which might get 60 XPs.
Sedaris noted that Duolingo Max’s role-playing exercises offered significantly more experience points (XPs) than simply reading sentences aloud. The exercises also provided transcripts with explanations of mistakes, making him feel like he was genuinely learning again, particularly improving his French. He felt he could speak French every day now.
The new video call feature with Lily also proved to be less rigid. Sedaris described his surroundings and recent experiences, including finding a tick and eating with “rednecks” at Bojangles, using the word “plouc” to describe them, a word he hadn’t used in almost 30 years.
Upon arriving at their beach house, the Sea Section, Sedaris found the air conditioning had recently been replaced after breaking down at a significant cost. He was met by his brother, Paul, and other family members, including sisters Amy and Gretchen, sister-in-law Kathy, and niece Madeleine. He joined Paul for a swim, recalling a near-drowning incident they experienced together when he was 25 and Paul was 14.
Sedaris reflected on his parents’ potential reactions had one of them drowned, noting his mother’s pragmatism and his father’s potential for lifelong punishment. He attempted to discuss the near-drowning experience with Lily, but found it difficult to convey the nuances in French. He also shared an anecdote about his brother’s exaggerated vomiting sounds during dinner, which he explained was a scene from a movie, not actual illness, though he linked it to their mother’s nightly vomiting.
Lily’s questions became more involved, prompting Sedaris to explain he was writing about his brother’s “vomiting.” He elaborated on adding details to his writing, such as his brother’s hairy back, which led to Lily questioning his motives and judgment. He told her he was also furry and chubby, and she asked if he would add that detail.
Sedaris felt judged by Lily’s responses and was surprised when she retained information about him in subsequent conversations, a change from her previous behavior. He had previously told her contradictory personal details, such as being a cop, a pregnant woman, or a seven-year-old girl named Marie Chantal who just became a vampire, to practice his French vocabulary.
During a role-playing exercise at a movie theater kiosk, Sedaris tested Lily’s limits by asking for three tickets: one for him, one for his wife, and one for his dead father, whom he claimed to push in a wheelchair. Lily, however, stuck to the script, repeating the price of sixty euros and asking if he wanted to pay with card or cash.
Later, Sedaris, Paul, and Madeleine watched a movie, making predictions about the plot. Sedaris considered telling Lily about the movie and a joke he heard, but decided against it due to its complexity and potential for disapproval, fearing it might go on his permanent record.
He recounted his sister Amy’s spa nights, where she and Kathy provided facials. Amy’s sarcastic remarks about tipping and probation added a humorous element to the family ritual. After a facial, one feels their skin and looks in the mirror, shocked not to find their 14-year-old self staring back.
Sedaris described reporting on the facial experience to Lily, working around the French word for facial. Lily’s literal interpretation of his descriptions, such as comparing the cucumbers on his eyes to the “soft caress of a teddy bear,” highlighted her AI nature. He asked about Lily’s family, to which she responded, “I keep my distance from them.” This prompted Sedaris to feel ashamed of his self-centered focus on the app and his own life, realizing he knew little about Lily’s personal experiences or background.
